by cheaper dozens

I donapos;t know why but today of all days it seems that everything that i have either repressed or shook off or set aside on the back burner has simultaneously hit me all at once. Listening to the "trouble" and realizing all the harmful things that were once said or thought off by me, makes me sick that i did at one point or another cause someone pain, cause then hurt. I guess itapos;s a karmatic prelude to the possible future that i have drawn out for myself. Heh yes i know iapos;m sounding emo, but still. I canapos;t shake this overwhelming feeling that even once i get through school that my time for finding the "one" the someone for me might have passed. I know iapos;m going into the unknown right now but sometimes when your depressed like this it happens, it runs through your mind, races in your viens, and takes over your body. I HATE BEING ALONE.
i would like to think that there actually is someone out there waiting, waiting for me to get through this and conquer my fears, my abandonment, and everything that comes along in my way. I had a talk with a good friend the other day. She told me about one of my exapos;s that she is, or was in contact with. That she is not doing any better with her depression/head trauma. I think that was the point where i started thinking about myself, really thinking. My life is actually pretty plain, pale in comparison with many others out there. This is not my downfall but yet the upside. I like being not like others, i like being myself and not being apart of the higher up well oiled machine that are the zombies 9-5. However in my life i have had some of my greatest moments with others, and not myself. It was always that i was helping others to the point where they could finally get through something without my help, with out me. It seems to me that i have been playing myself for a muse. It seems that i have helped better other peoples lives by yet left mine in the shadows. I know that now i am slowly trying to rebuild everything i lost and achieving new heights. It has come to my attention that the time of fun, playing, dancing, drinking, is over. Its time for me to be serious about my life and everything that goes into it, the people i hang out with, the food i eat, and the way i spend my time and money. As hard for me as it is, iapos;m growing up, i think? so without any hellos or goodbyes, without any harsh words or kind thoughts, without saying anything at all now, and only now is my only chance to become what I want to become.

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