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I flew to Chicago Thursday afternoon.� Veda took me from work to the airport and since I�got there a little in advance of my flight, I has some time to catch up on phone calls.� The flight was non-descript.� I got upgraded and passed out as soon as I buckled myself in.� There wasnapos;t a cloud in the sky over Chicago and I had an amazing view of downtown from the east and the north as I�landed at Oapos;Hare.� Justina was still babysitting when I arrived so I hopped on the blue line and took it to the stop where she was going to pick me up.� Only, I got there and she was still babysitting.� She gave me two options.� I could either walk a few blocks and hop on a bus, or I�could take a cab to her house where she wasnapos;t.� I opted for the bus and met her at her house right as she was returning from babysitting.

We got in touch with Brandon, one of my friends from high school and met him out near DePaul.� After the first bar closed, we went and played darts at a second.� Brandon and I came out strong but ended up losing.� Justina stayed sober and I hear she had to listen to straight boys play Gay QA before we finally closed that bar.

The next day was a late start, as you can imagine.� Juss and I sat in an Einsteinapos;s for about three hours bullshitting and trying to work the night before off.� Juss works for Lululemon and is a yoga freak now so she took me to this two-hour yoga camp.� It was fun and I was able to do everything but the inversions.� I was a little disappointed that it was not enough of a work-out and that I�generally do more in my lunchtime yoga sessions than we did in two hours.� It was a big class though filled with hot, lithe men.

On that note, we went out in Boystown after a quick sushi dinner.� We started off at Hydrate, spent a big chunk of time at Roscoeapos;s, moved down to minibar and finally settled at Sidetrack.� I�liked the last one the best but the Chicago gays are not very friendly.� We were looking for SM.� That is, single and mingle, not stand and model, which is what we found.� I�wouldnapos;t have minded finding a little of the third SM but Juss was with me, haha� Anyway, we mostly had to keep to ourselves b/c no one really talked to us, and weapos;re both attractive, outgoing people.� Maybe it was b/c I had a girl with me, idk.

After we got dumped out of Sidetrack (chicago does not mess around with itapos;s bar closings), we stood on the street talking to this really cute Jewish kid that was too drunk to be any real fun.� After we got away from him, we walked to the corner to catch a cab and as we were standing there, I�saw these two familiar-looking guys come down the street.� Figuring I just recognized them from the bar, I didnapos;t pay too much attention but I wanted to get a better look.� Turns out it was this guy Mike I went to college with and his boyfriend.� Small world

Saturday was another late start, followed by boutique shopping, (youapos;d think I could find $400 jeans that fit), ice cream and a walk around Jussapos; neighborhood.� I had a 5:45 flight back out so it was a short day on Saturday.�� I ended up passing out on my flight and getting into Charlotte 30 minutes early.� It was a fun trip but I definitely need to get back there again soon

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Jack Granger

He was a a dear family friend. He was the reason Daddy went on the trip to Florida with me in September-he went to the hospital about a week before we were down, jaundiced. While we were down there, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. And now he has left us. It is all so sudden, but at least he did not suffer much and isnapos;t suffering anymore.

Goodbye, Jack, Iapos;ll miss you, but not nearly half as much as my dad will.

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So i havent been on here in a while
and just for updates, im now apart of a nationally ranked dance team, i dont let anorexia control my thoughts anymore, and am thinner than everrrr
i probly eat about�1,000 fcking calories a day and do at least 12 hours of intense workout�per week. Alot of itapos;s cardio related. I have more visable beautiful bones than i think i�did back when i would have a couple hundred calories a week. A vegan lifestyle and tons of exercising is definitely where its at.

im sorry but all of you lovelies that are wasting your time stressing about calories and diets are missing out.

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I donapos;t know why but today of all days it seems that everything that i have either repressed or shook off or set aside on the back burner has simultaneously hit me all at once. Listening to the "trouble" and realizing all the harmful things that were once said or thought off by me, makes me sick that i did at one point or another cause someone pain, cause then hurt. I guess itapos;s a karmatic prelude to the possible future that i have drawn out for myself. Heh yes i know iapos;m sounding emo, but still. I canapos;t shake this overwhelming feeling that even once i get through school that my time for finding the "one" the someone for me might have passed. I know iapos;m going into the unknown right now but sometimes when your depressed like this it happens, it runs through your mind, races in your viens, and takes over your body. I HATE BEING ALONE.
i would like to think that there actually is someone out there waiting, waiting for me to get through this and conquer my fears, my abandonment, and everything that comes along in my way. I had a talk with a good friend the other day. She told me about one of my exapos;s that she is, or was in contact with. That she is not doing any better with her depression/head trauma. I think that was the point where i started thinking about myself, really thinking. My life is actually pretty plain, pale in comparison with many others out there. This is not my downfall but yet the upside. I like being not like others, i like being myself and not being apart of the higher up well oiled machine that are the zombies 9-5. However in my life i have had some of my greatest moments with others, and not myself. It was always that i was helping others to the point where they could finally get through something without my help, with out me. It seems to me that i have been playing myself for a muse. It seems that i have helped better other peoples lives by yet left mine in the shadows. I know that now i am slowly trying to rebuild everything i lost and achieving new heights. It has come to my attention that the time of fun, playing, dancing, drinking, is over. Its time for me to be serious about my life and everything that goes into it, the people i hang out with, the food i eat, and the way i spend my time and money. As hard for me as it is, iapos;m growing up, i think? so without any hellos or goodbyes, without any harsh words or kind thoughts, without saying anything at all now, and only now is my only chance to become what I want to become.

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In todayapos;s world money is power the more money you have the more power you have. This article talks about singer George Micheal who once again was arrested for the possession of drugs in a london toilet. The singer had both cocaine and marijuana on him which would normally mean he was going to face harsh punishment, but as�we all know that George Micheal is filthy rich and as people in general are greedy for money i just wonder how come he did not harsh punishment????? Also a home office minister said that "there should be flexibility in the law" unfortunately for the normal man and women this rule does not apply.
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OH JESUS. WHY? WHY DIDNapos;T I STUDY FOR MY TESTS AND FINISH MY ESSAY EARLIER IN THE WEEK INSTEAD OF WAITING AT THE LAST MINUTE? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. *HEADDESKKKKK*

Itapos;s almost three, and I havenapos;t even reached the end of my Chemitry study session. How am I gonna start/finish my Biology review AND start/finish my essay before midnight? I really donapos;t want to pull an all nighter like I did last time, but it looks like Iapos;m going to have to again.

I hate Mondays like this oneapos;s going to be . . .
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Goddamnit. So my friend is not going on the Disney trip, and she told me this morning she was going. Sheapos;s definitely not. So Iapos;m definitely not. FUCK HER MOTHER, MAN. What the fuck is wrong with you, you wonapos;t shell out $600 for a trip to Disney with a club sheapos;s majorly involved in her senior fucking year? If it was her sister asking for the money, her motherapos;d shell out TWICE that without blinking.

FUCK. MY. LIFE. FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER EXISTED EVER.

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